Herbal goodness and a birthday

Took one son to Whole Foods this evening after dinner to get the remaining ingredients for Rosemary Gladstar's Fire Cider, or a fair copy.  Something new to me, it's made of raw horseradish, raw ginger root, jalapeno peppers, onion, lots of garlic---layered in a jar and then weighted and covered with unfiltered apple cider vinegar.  Set aside for up to a month, then strained and flavored with raw honey.  Saves all through the winter, and is said to help stave off the creepies. Looking forward to mixing it all up, and will hunt down some plastic gloves.  Makes me happy to do this stuff.  I could make tinctures, etc. all day and be content.  That being said, I have an Elderberry tincture and an Echinacea one to strain and bottle up tomorrow.  I'll be busy.

And just ordered some herbs online at Mountain Rose Herbs (things I can't find at the hippy store here) to fill capsules for winter's additional healing if we're hit with coughs.  I'm thinking the flu won't call at our door since we all had it last year and it seems we get about 12 months worth of immunity.  That's been the case in the past.

And tomorrow is middle daughter's sixteenth birthday.  Fun.  Deep dish apple pie (instead of cake) for dessert and Spanakopita (with chicken) for dinner.  More fun.  And in addition to middle daughter's gifts, we found two cups and saucers (at TJ Maxx) for both her and the least one, so they both get a gift first thing in the morning.  Bought them a cinnamon roll to split too.  Can't wait to see what they say about them.  

Going to settle into the rest of the night now.  I bought two bars of soap at the store tonight as well.  Almond is one and the other is called Dirty Hippie and is made of Patchouli and Nutmeg, heavy on the Patchouli.  Smells delicious.  A hot bath sounds nice.  Then will find something easy to read in bed---had begun and gotten pretty far in William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury and it makes my brain hurt.  So different from the book of his I read last week and enjoyed so much.  I need a break from thinking.

Time for quiet.

Mid-week

The General Confession (guaranteed to make me cry, every week)

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father; We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts. We have offended against thy holy laws. We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable offenders. Spare thou those, O God, who confess their faults. Restore thou those who are penitent; According to thy promises declared unto mankind In Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake; That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life, To the glory of thy holy Name. Amen. ~from 1928 Book of Common Prayer

Listening to For King and Country's CD.  Oh my.  I know I've mentioned them before, but bears re-mentioning.  The name of the CD is Run Wild, Live Free, Love Strong, and is wonderful.  The songs Shoulders and It's Not Over Yet are my favorites.  When oldest daughter plays it in her car, the sound is a m a z i n g, since her speakers really go to town.   The second song I mentioned played LOUD is the best.  You feel like God can do anything.  Well, He can, but you believe it.  Linking it here.  I can't check to see how the link works...with our new Internet through our T-Mobile account we've already used our supply of 4G, and are limited to (though an endless supply) of 2G.  Can't watch videos, but we're not complaining.  A lesser bill is a fine balance.  Feels so funny, going backwards.  Cancelling cable and using the roof antennae again, and our 2G with the Internet is like our old phone Internet....well, not quite that slow. :)  Yeah, first world problems.

Feeling blessed.  Gary's had such an endless run of work these past two months.  Our house note being cut in half is wild, and being able to pay the bills on time, plus just the relief of not feeling so tapped financially is truly incredible.  It's deeply contenting.  

And I'm learning to take life in littler bites.  But mind, this has to be re-learned on a daily basis.  Heard from son who's engaged, after I asked if his fiance could/would come for dessert/or the whole meal for Thanksgiving.  He said she would.  Immediately I felt anxiety, then prayed and released it to the Lord.  I feel peace today.  We'll look ahead, and not behind. And remember, I'll have to keep setting this in God's lap.  I'll have the tendency to over-clean and just make myself miserable.  Also considering we'll invite my mom, who's a bit of a challenge---well, Thanksgiving should prove to be an interesting day.  But we'll make it.  Asking them is the right thing to do.  Doesn't mean it's easy, but it's right.

With firstborn son's girlfriend going out of town with her family to NC, he'll be here as well and that guarantees all my chickens will be around my table.  What a lot has happened in 12 months.  By God's grace we've survived. 

No drama, least not immediately.  I don't want anymore of that stuff.

Pugs in a blanket

Just now.... On a chilly day.  Violet is all snug.

Tuesday morning

A bit misty outside, and should rain in awhile.  I'm lying in bed, window open, and can hear a dove in the Oak tree in the backyard.  The chickens are all settled in the corner of their run, just fluffed up and thinking about things.  Quiet. Nice.

I find that lately I'm craving silence so much.  Way too much noise in my life.  I read a piece by Lanier at The Rabbit Room about that same topic.  And while a 'get away' would be ideal, for most of us, we have to take it as we can find it.  And to find it at home seems to be the way.  Not the easiest process. Going to make today a restorative time.  At least that's the plan at this very moment.

~ ~ ~

With a busy weekend behind me, I'm taking my week more slowly.  And am planning on us taking a break with no church duties the weekend of the 8th of November.  Will ask someone else to do the flowers, acolyte for the least one, and will take a pause from teaching children's Sunday school.  

~ ~ ~

Youngest son is at the shop with Gary today.  This son has been a bit of a challenge lately, not in a disrespectful sense, but just annoying.  He drives the girls nuts as well.  And I told Gary, it appears that most of my boys doubt my wisdom a good bit of the time.  He blames it on a natural rift between mom and sons, not so much a disrespect issue, but a denial of moms having much going on.  He seems to be speaking from experience.  Huh.  Not too crazy about being thought of as being low in the intelligence scale.  To my boys (at least the majority), I'm the mom who may have a college degree, but is still just a mom.  Maybe to them I excel in mediocrity.  Not going to dwell on that one.

No hard tasks lined up for today.  Make shortbread---the butter is out on the counter now, softening up.  Tidy and maybe hang the fall wreaths.  I'm late doing that.  Maybe I excel at puttering?

I recently read a book (can't think of the title, but it sounds like an Elizabeth Berg or Carrie Brown type of story, but can't remember), about a young woman who had lost her husband the previous year and had a small daughter.  For a full year she'd stayed in bed and had totally withdrawn.  She was living with her mother-in-law, I think, and was finally waking up mentally from the despair of her husband's loss.  The story next goes into she and her daughter skipping town and truly allowing themselves to experience life again.  Great story, but can't place it.  While I've not had to deal with a death in the past 12-18 months, there have been an over-abundance of difficulties.  But life is beginning in small ways to glimmer, and I'm waking up again to my own life.  In that space of time three sons have moved out and two of those have moved in directions contrary to their upbringing.  My mom has lost her independence, leaning on me more and more, so I've misplaced my mother in one sense with her stroke affecting her ability to be the adult.  Many changes in a tight space of time.

Hard realities.  But you know what helps?  This might sound silly, but Gary says that these boys have chosen the paths they're on.  They're really happy with what they're doing.  I tend to think someone has tricked them, taken over their minds (and maybe these girls have, but my boys aren't mindless idiots) and made them be rotten.  And honestly, in her odd little way, thankfully my mom is happy as well.  Anti-depressants have helped in that area, I'm sure.  She doesn't know how to cry anymore, and a stroke is definitely cause for tears.  So, the three individuals who tap my joy can be checked off as requiring so much of my mental energy.  I cause myself undo angst.

~ ~ ~

But, the thing is, I have to look past the difficulties and get on with it, so they say.  In the new Jan Karon there's a perfect quote.  

"We, however, need to keep praying ad trusting God, and moving ahead to things like lunch and dry-cleaning and a dozen eggs at the Local." ~from Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good

Pray, trust the Lord, and LIVE.  Repeat the next day.

I just have to do today, and that has to be enough.  Sufficient to the day..., you know.

Monday's news

~our church participated in the neighborhood Fall Festival yesterday...stuff and nonsense

The tail-end of a very nice day.  Cleaned up the kitchen better than usual, and felt good inside---my insides.  No depression, but a bit of anxiety for a couple of things.  The norm for me.  I tend to fret and expect too much of myself.  I can have an exquisite time and something will sneak up on me, ruining an otherwise great day.  Have to keep on top of that.

Even got my mom's groceries in and delivered at her house with help from two youngest girls---bed changed, bathroom cleaned, coffee pot ready for the morning, started a load of clothes, tidied up, etc.  Gave her some of the bean and ham soup/cornbread I made for us.  She rarely gets homemade food being a fan of frozen dinners, so that was probably a treat.  Left her in good spirits, chowing down.  Click.  Turn off head.

~ ~ ~

And talked to Gary about asking the fiance-of-son-who-lives-with-her to dessert on Thanksgiving.  They'd already decided to go to their separate parents' houses for turkey.  Figure it's a good idea to offer.  Being that we've not talked to her since before the great blow-up when he moved out in August, it'd be wonderful if the communication could be restored.  Not like inviting a daughter-in-law over, but I want to try.  He gets along with all of us---we've really worked on it, praying lots and lots.  There's an elephant in the room when he's here, you know what I mean, but at least he'll come over.  Not a lot, but still, it's better than nothing.  When he's here, it's like he's always on guard.  Shoot, we're done fussing.  What's done is done.  Just got plow ahead now.  And wait on God's timing.

~ ~ ~

And in other news, got a pile of books at the library sale on Saturday.  I'll just mention a few authors I got: Miss Read, William Faulkner, William Butler Yeats, Susan Minot, EF Delafield, EB White, Mary Emmerling, Gail Godwin, Hal Borland, Thomas Hardy, Baroness Orczy, Markus Zusak's The Book Thief, Carrie Brown, Linda Nichols (a favorite contemporary author), and a Bailey White that'll make you crave cornbread while you're reading it.  The Bailey White is Quite a Year for Plums and the first time I read it, I just laughed and laughed, and honestly, I put the book down, made cornbread, sliced tomatoes and fished some green onions out of the fridge.  A perfect lunch.

If I got anything else I can't remember, but pretty nice haul, yes?  Now must weed out some of my own gluttonous collection.  I really am a pig.

I got the Faulkner partly because of going to Oxford, and totally loved one of his I read last week---it was a copy I'd been toting around since college, but hadn't remembered reading it. It's Intruder in the Dust, and for anyone not from the South, it's the perfect book to tell it like it is.  Exactly my experience.  I don't use the word 'awesome' very often, considering it sort of cliche anymore, but this book is awesome with a capital awe.  Kept nodding my head all through it and the ending is priceless.   Only a Southerner could get it right like Faulkner.

Oh, and borrowed a copy of Marilynne Robinson's newest book Lila, and read it in two days.  Yes.  Lived up to my expectations.  Read her book Gilead right after, if you've not already.

I've got more to say, but will resist.  Enough for now.

Internet stuff

First off I apologize for not being a faithful blog neighbor the past few days.  Gary's been in the thick of cancelling Comc*ast and has been boxing up the gadgets that needed returning.  Did that today.  Then went to T-Mob*ile, who we have our phones with and got a hotspot set up in the house for our Internet connection, to replace the one from Comc*ast.  

Now here's the cool thing about our television connection since the cable was disconnected along with the Internet.  Gary researched online and found out how to build a homemade antenna (though you can get them at Best*Buy). Our reception is better and while you don't get all the cable channels, and besides, who needs them, there's a decent amount of stations coming through.  He said he scanned 19 channels the other night.  He even gets better reception.  I say 'he' because he tends to watch in the evenings, and I only do on Sunday nights.  The kids are sporadic in watching, since we're pretty strict about their tv watching.

So, with canceling Comc*ast, that bill is gone.  And oddly enough, our phone bill is less, partly because we got a deal, and because we've been with T-Mob*ile for 17 years (even before they had that name), and they love us.  Pays to stick with companies sometimes.

But what blows my mind is using an antenna and getting more than local stations, and for free.  I never knew that was even possible, so maybe partly that's my steep learning curve.  And while it looks like we're becoming more archaic, we're happier.  Spending less really is amazing.  One son commented that with our re-doing our housenote and having that less, and doing this stuff, he's afraid the electricity and water is next.  

Not a pretty blogging post, but an informative one.  May you learn from it.  :)

The end of a sweet day...

Gosh I'm yakky today.  That's what sleep will do for a person, I reckon.  More please.

I did enjoy this morning.  Got up at 7:15 and went out to sit with the chickens.  Gary made me a bench and put it in the chicken run.  I'd not been sitting there 5 minutes before Milk hopped in my lap.  Cozy on my bathrobe.  Nora followed after him, both of them snuggled inside my arms.  Can you even imagine the joy this gives me?  Chickens in my lap.  Never gets old.  Milk was all prickly because she's molting.  Had to hold her gently because the molting tends to make them a bit edgy, and I've read that they get sore.

I'd given them all a bowl of wheat flake cereal in milk (Nora has a weakness for bowls of cold milk), and after Milk and Nora had finished, Anastasia and Madelyn ate the leavings.  They hopped up on the bench next to me when they were done.  All of us sitting like we were waiting for a bus. 

Guess I am truly the Chicken Whisperer.  Talk sweetly and softly, move gently and they'll be your pals.  I do love them so.

Must go now.  Am out of words.

'The New American Herbal' by Stephen Orr

Stephen Orr's newest book called The New American Herbal is gorgeous---one of those beautiful Clarkson Potter heavy-weight paperbacks.  And with Orr having a background working for Martha Stewart Living, House & Garden and Domino, you'd expect quality work.  He doesn't disappoint.

I've collected books on herbal cures, plants, and recipes for several years.  Some focus on different topics and they all work together to fill my needs.  Orr goes into depth about identification, uses in recipes and teas, and gives extensive historical information.  I was especially fond of his findings from old herbals.

In speaking of Cumin he quotes Theophratus saying, "One must curse and abuse it while sowing, if the crop is to be fair and abundant."  

And in Orr's words, "Farmers sowed the seed with epithets and incantations to preserve this highly valued plant from the evil eye so it would flourish." Magical.  

For this writer to share those bits of history adds to the beauty of the book.  It's not simply full of facts and his own wonderful photographs, but also with information you'd not automatically expect.

I highly recommend The New American Herbal for anyone who (like me) wants to enrich your own herbalist's library.  I can't praise it enough.

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books)

'52 Little Lessons from Les Miserables' by Bob Welch

Even though I've not finished reading Les Misérables, I thoroughly enjoyed Bob Welch's companion book called 52 Little Lessons from Les Misérables.

He shares the strengths of Hugo's masterpiece, and stresses areas that clearly point to hope, and mercy in the midst of devastating circumstances.

I love the way Welch shares personal stories of his own struggles.  He says we "give up our true riches to the things we unconsciously consider our saviors.  Work as savior, for example.  How easily we live as if getting things done is that which sustains us.  If I could live my life again---I'm fifty-nine as I write this---it is the thing I'd want to change most:  the pace at which I've lived."

And Les Misérables is the perfect book to encourage a person to appreciate the little things---the joys.  It's a book full of pain, but mostly of redemption.  Welch's book helps the reader to see that.  

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Hidden blessings

This might be lengthy, so you may need to fetch a snack first.

Lots of things on my mind, first and foremost, I had a good night's sleep---and it's the best one in months and months.  Maybe longer than that.  Years?

Here's the thing.  While I dearly miss our dog, Opal, I don't miss the way she always had to get up at 6am or even earlier, for her breakfast.  That dog was a fool for her meals.  Even as a puppy.  And since our second son still comes by our house for a late dinner on his way to his apartment after he leaves the restaurant (which I love that he does this), it gets us to bed, sometimes at one a.m. So, six o'clock and even 5:30am in the summer for Opal was just plain mean.  Try to get back to sleep after dealing with four dogs and four chickens.  It sort of wakes you up.

So, oldest daughter (who alternates getting up with them) and I decided to just let the dogs wake up whenever, since Opal wasn't here to stir up everybody.  Bliss.  Sadly it's true.  Until we got Romeo 3 years ago, I was the one who'd always get up.  After our daughter found him at work (someone just dropped him off in her employer's shop backyard) and brought him home (yeah, we're suckers), we've taken turns.  She felt since she dumped another dog on us that she should share in the responsibility, and I gladly accepted her morning help.

And now it turns out Romeo, Daisy and Violet enjoy a good lie-in.  Bless their hearts.  And the chickens aren't in a big hurry to leave the coop since it's getting cooler.  Nice this morning to wake up when I was done sleeping and not before.  Makes a HUGE difference in how I feel.  So this is what folks talk about when they say they feel rested.  Huh.  Who knew?

~ ~ ~

Also, talked to Gary about my shaky mental health last night.  Came to the conclusion all on my own that I tend to put my mom's needs first in my head and they should be on down the list.  God first, my family (especially Gary) next, then the kids, then my mom.  I'm tucked in there somewhere, hopefully before my mom.  Hmmm, seems this list needs further work.

But in celebration of ME, I worked on my herbal lessons this morning before the kids got up.  Wrote down some healing recipes in my book I'm creating (I want it to appear sort of magical with drawings and such) and I enjoyed that.  Have set my own schoolwork aside for too long of a time, so I was refreshed.  Have got to pay attention to me or I'll just dry up.

Now. Have fully purged my thoughts.  It's been a good day.  Got in some painting too.  Am renewing the white trim in the bathroom and gradually doing the kitchen cabinets as well.  I tend to give up before beginning sometimes and am taking baby steps instead.  I'll whittle out the painting just like I read Middlemarch and am now reading Les Miserables.  A tiny bit at a time.

Done now.  Take a break.

A day away

~Rowan Oak, Wm. Faulkner's home

Drove down to Oxford, Mississippi (home of the Ole Miss Rebels) with oldest daughter this morning, and even last night before bed, Gary asked if there was a football game going on.  Uh.  Didn't know.  Looked it up online, and yes, a game was scheduled for 6pm today.  Figured we'd go anyway.

Got just outside of Oxford---after driving about an hour and 20 minutes from here, and stopped at a market for something to snack on before driving into town.  The traffic was backed up, but we were only slightly concerned.  The woman who checked us out said it was Homecoming weekend.  And for any Southerners out there, Ole Miss was playing UT (Univ. of TN).  Lots and lots of folks.

I've never seen so many high maintenance Southern women in my life.  And I'm not kidding.  These folks dressed to kill, all Suzanne Sugarbaker-types.  I was amazed.  Oldest daughter and I were way out of our league.

~tiny house on Faulkner property

~lovely bookstore

But we had fun.  Had a heck of a time finding a parking place, but finally got a meter.  Went into a charming 3-level bookstore and walked around the square.  Very lovely town.  And went to Rowan Oak, William Faulkner's home, but didn't tour.  Just didn't work out.  But walking on the grounds of his house was the best part of the trip.  So restful.  The house is very modest, and the website on the house makes it appear upscale.  It's dated 1848, I think, or thereabouts, and needs some slight work, so it was charming.  Not pretentious, but very homely.  

Anyway, we had a nice time that had been tempered by a phone call from middle daughter about an hour into our trip.  She was crying and said that our dog, Opal the German Shepherd, had just died.  She'd not been sick, but had been playing with Romeo out back after we left, and Gary was sitting out there with them and the Pugs.  Opal romped around, got a drink of water, laid down and appeared to have a seizure.  In a couple of minutes she went from playing and then onto her eternal reward.  So strange.  Needless to say we're all a bit gobsmacked.

~Opal

Boring and uneventful would be a nice change, but we had a sweet day, nonetheless. We really did.

Friday afternoon

Lately, our children have had more of an open-ended situation come Friday.  My mom has taken a liking to having our youngest (18) son with her on that day.  If it's needed, he'll do her yard, but mostly they just visit.  It's good for both of them.  He'll take his schoolwork with him.  And the two youngest girls left here with me get to chill a bit.  We don't realize how wired we are during the rest of the week until Friday rolls around.  Usually pretty tuckered.

Those girls have made a habit of having their own tea party in the mornings---every morning, except weekends.  After the working class here leave they'll put on the tea kettle, get out one of our prettiest teapots (that need using), and will prepare tea.  Breakfast and a hot pot of tea, with pretty china.  I had to get over my angst at things possibly breaking, but it's just stuff.  They get such pleasure out of it, and it makes me happy to see them all settled on the sofa with their tea things set out on the coffee table in front of them.  They'll watch an I Love Lucy CD or just sit.  A sweet way to start the day.

I know.  Precious.  But they really do do this.  Guess in some things I've set a good example.  :)

And as usual lately, I've had my tea in bed.  I'm taking it slow.  With my overdoing it mentally earlier in the week, trying to get my focus.  The girls and I will get Mom some groceries later on this afternoon and will do her cleaning.  I hate it.  Seriously, I dread it like nothing else.  Honesty.  There's such guilt associated with going to my mom's house.  When you're the child who never did quite cut it (what is UP with that?), you drag around an emotion of 'never good enough' and it's hard to shake.  No matter what you do, it's there.

So, I'm going to look ahead to tomorrow when oldest daughter and I go off on a day trip.  Just an hour or so away, but I told her I'd treat her to lunch in a small town south of us.  Will take photos and report of our day afterwards.

See.  If you dangle a treat up in front of you when a trying situation has to be mastered, it's

 much easier to deal with things.  Oh, and Sunday is our church's saint's Feast Day, St. James.  We'll have a fish fry (which we do every year), and I have the joy of doing the flowers for someone's birthday, and setting up the altar.  Joy.  The girls will make a pumpkin pie or two and pasta salad to add to the growning tables.  A wonderful day all around.  Oh, and the service will have incense.  Bliss as well.

My handyman side

Got a zipper caught in the grove in the front of the dryer yesterday afternoon while it was running.  The fabric was all twisty and it was caught tight.  I was in the kitchen when it happened and all of a sudden the dryer had made a very annoying sound.  Tugged on the jacket where it was stuck and the little part of the zipper across from the tongue just pulled off.  Whoosh and it was gone.  Turned the dryer back on and there was a regular kathunk noise.  Gary offered to look at it, and I told him I would today.

Honestly, I enjoy fixing appliances.  Seriously.

Woke up this morning, had my tea, prayed about the dryer first, then got out Gary's tools.  Took it all apart, couldn't find anything, and so put it all back together again.   (Taking it apart consisted of raising the top, taking off the front and removing the drum.  Really, repairing stuff is easy---it's the taking apart part that'll drive you nuts.  Screws and ratchets----getting things lined up.  Drives me nuts, that part.  Or putting it back together.  Never as easy as it sounds.) Anyway, I thought about it, watched a couple of videos, thought some more and took it apart again.  Got to looking under the felt that's attached to the front of the drum, and whattayaknow...a loose screw from somewhere??? and the zipper part just fell out.  Put it all back, turned it on and voila.  Fixed.  Free of charge.

When I grow up I want to be a repairman.  

Took the kids to the library late afternoon.  Bought a copy of Home from Holly Springs by Jan Karon at the library bookstore for $3---the only one of her novels I don't own, excepting for the newest one.  Ate leftover spaghetti.  And that was my day.  I'd call it all a success, yes?

Rest

The day is young, at least for me here at home.  I was up with the chickens and big dogs just before seven.  The hens were hesitant to hop off their roost, being that it was dim outside.  It is nice, though, that their waking up time is about an hour later than it was in the middle of summer.  With the rain we've had, mornings have been cloudy and comforting. Too much sun too early doesn't go well with me.

And the Pugs are still asleep.  When the girls put sweaters on them, the Pugs tend to sleep in longer all tucked up on the couch cushions.  We'll nudge them out later on.  

And so it goes. 

Chores at the store and my mom's done late yesterday.  When we'd been to the grocery and walked out to the truck, I tried to start it and the battery was dead.  I'd left the lights on, and the battery has been fussy anyhow.  Oldest daughter was just next door to the grocery at T*rget, so she rounded up the kids and Mom's things and took them to her house.  Did her tidying up.  I stayed with the truck with youngest son, waiting for Gary to save the day.  Which he did.

When Gary got there and hooked up the jumper cables, he asked me to make sure I'd turned off the truck alarm.  I couldn't for the life of me think of what he was talking about.  The 'just one more thing' syndrome, you know.  I sat the behind the wheel and while later we laughed about it, I was frozen to the spot.  He gestured to the key ring and the alarm, and I finally got it.  Started to cry. I know, it's not a big deal, but life has been so continually edgy that the least thing out of the ordinary is hard to manage.  Running the battery down was that thing.

And so it continues to go.

So, as a healing sort of exercise, today is homemade spaghetti day, along with a batch of chocolate chip cookies.  Therapy.  And time with the chickens.  And some study in my herbal class (which sadly has been neglected with my mom's care).  And maybe some handwork-----the supreme cure for any type of ailment.  And Yoga, which I've picked up again.  

As for now, I'm still tucked into bed.  The window is up and it's getting nicely chilly in here.  I can hear the chickens making soothing sounds from time to time just outside.  My candle is burning low with its vanilla scent and I can see the day will pan out sweetly if I can harness my stress.  Not take on anything, and just enjoy being home.  Let my house nurture me.  

I like that idea.

Frazzled, but mending

Too much going on, no time to process, and a major melt-down over the weekend.  I likened some of my stress (in a much-needed therapy session with my husband) to the grieving over the deaths of two close friends in recent years.  Deep-seated, painful grief, but where a death is one event that you work through after the loved one is gone, dealing with a hard situation with your kids is on-going.  You pray, let go, and trust the Lord to keep them in His hands.  Smack in the middle of them.  Thankfully my husband is more resilient than I am, and with his life experiences, is more realistic.  He can look sin in the face and not flinch, whereas I buckle under.  

For me as a mom, I struggle with becoming overly invested in my loved ones' lives, whether it's the kids or my mom.   I worry over them, and then sit in a stupor feeling overcome. For my husband I don't fret so much.  Does blood kin figure differently? 

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Raining now.  A storm blew through about an hour ago, and it's delightfully cool.  Supposed to be in the sixties as a high tomorrow.  Very fall-ish.  Time to let the cooler days seep into my spirit and for me to appreciate them.

Bills caught up here, or will be this week.  Mom's bills paid as well, and her details organized, at least for now. By this time tomorrow will have groceries in the house (hers too), and I'll have no material excuse to be rattled.  My mental state is another matter, but we're working on it.  It's a process, isn't it?

Les Miserables

Went to the library bookstore today, which has grown to be my favorite bookstore in town.  Lovely.  It's set up so beautifully, they always play wonderful music,  and the selection of books truly is amazing, and rarely does anything cost more than $3, excepting the rare books collection, or like, sets of encyclopedias.

So, imagine my surprise when I was able to get the hardback Modern Library edition of Les Miserables for three dollars.  Had already begun it on my Kindle, but prefer paper.  Am on page 111 and in love. 

But this could take awhile....it's longer even than Middlemarch. Only 1,260 pages with this one.  Only. 

Just trying to elevate my wee brain a bit. 

This and that

So I do actually pray in the swing at night after dark.  I face the house, and can, from time to time see my people in the windows.  Squeak, squeak...off I go.  (All the best swings are noisy, it seems.)  And with both houses on either side of us vacant, it's nice to be making racket and nobody caring.  There are advantages to having empty houses about...never thought I'd say that.

 Sometimes swing time is the only quiet I get in a given day.  Interruptions are the norm.  Morning tea before everyone gets moving is my other time, if I get up early enough.  I tend to not be an early riser, though.

I'm craving that time tonight.  My nerves are frayed.  Days at my mom's house tend to break my heart.  She's so grateful for everything we do for her.  Her needs are simple, but her gratitude pains me.  

The least one called her this morning, to make sure she needed help, and to ask what she needed at the store, and to check if she wanted to bathe.  When she hung up, the least one said it was like talking to a different grandmother, and this isn't the first time she's said this.  Said my mom sounded so sweet, which we're still getting used to, even after almost a year since her stroke.  Sadly, my mom has a former reputation for harshness and snippiness, many times to my girls.  That's gone now, which is wonderful, but at what price?

Tomorrow the girls and I will go to Michael's for middle daughter to spend her dog-sitting money for a Smash book with the 50% off coupon I have on my phone.  And she wants to get a pair of jeans at the thrift store as well.  And oldest daughter is treating all of us to lunch out.  Much needed, all of it.

I don't have sisters, but 3 girls who enjoy having me about.  How's that for a blessing?

Stuff in my head

~not recommending

Taking it easy this week with our Fall Break, and I'm finally feeling the benefit of it.  Does take some time before the rest seeps into a person.  And part of delightfulness of this week is that oldest daughter is taking a vacation at home.  After the boyfriend break-up she needs the quiet---I think we all do.  She says she still feels 'odd' but also admitted that if somebody told her she'd have to go back to him, she'd run screaming from the room.  I think we all realize that the last straw was the situation with the rings.  For her to go off him so suddenly it's apparent that this had been piling up for some time. Many small things added up to a lopsided relationship.  

~ ~ ~

And I have a new book to read, well, new for me.  This one will make my GoodReads 50 books in a year quota complete, but I'll go over.  I'm such a glutton.  I'd seen this book (different cover than what I got at the library) before but hadn't been interested since it's by a foreign author.  Just didn't speak to me then, but the first few pages are beautiful.  You know how some books enthrall you right away---you read a few bits and go putter and then pick it up again, and you feel so alive.  That's what this book is doing to me.  So hope it sticks.  The title is The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon.  Lovely.

UPDATE on following day:  You'd think I'd learn to not post on a book I'm reading until I'm actually finished with it.  The one mentioned here began well enough---really loved it, in fact.  And was curious as to how it'd turn out since youngest son had been eyeing it.  Wish the author hadn't had to tuck in a s*x scene, though.  Can't in good conscience pass it on to our son and say, "Hey,  enjoy reading it!"  Happens more often than not.  Just not necessary.  And it was getting so good, a bit wordy, but still appealing.  

~ ~ ~

And I made some herbal goodness last night.  One was the Elderberry brew I simmered before dinner---elderberries, cloves, ginger and honey was added after it'd cooled.  Very simple to make.  I got 3 pints in the fridge now, and it'll keep for about three months.  If I add the kick of vodka or brandy for some of it, it'll last a bit more, but don't want to play that trick on my husband, who is a necessary tee-totaler.

Also made a mixture for a bit of calm for me.  I did pull together my Passion Flower, Catnip, Motherwort, Hops, and Lemon Balm.  It all added up to about 1-1/2 cups of dry herbs and I covered them with a bit of water and the rest in vodka.  Put it outside so the eclipse of the moon could shine on it.  Magical.  I know, you think I'm nuts.  I like to pretend I'm a fairy.  Shades of Tolkien.  All I lack is a wand.

~ ~ ~

Listening to Owl City's newest song done with Britt Nicole called You're Not Alone. A joy to hear.  Our kids buy the best music.

  ~ ~ ~

Nothing hanging fire tomorrow.  Love that.  Going to go outside in a minute to swing.  Pray over our kids, my husband's work and protection for all of us.  I love them so, the whole messy lot of them.

Monday afternoon

Since public school kids are off for Fall Break this week, I figured we'd do likewise.  Our children don't need the time off, but I do.  Figure my mental health could use a breather.

We'll do my mom's running around after Gary comes home.  I can't borrow the kids' cars that have a stick shift since my left knee is still acting strange.  I end up limping when I have to drive manually, and will wait until Gary's home with the Suburban.  

I sort of want to get her chores over with anyway.  With a week off, it'll be nice to feel that her needs are met (bed changed, bathrooms cleaned, vacuuming, mopping, etc.) so the rest of the week feels smooth and easy.

Had a moment over the weekend realizing that if I don't begin to chill out, I'll pay for it later.  My physical and mental selves need tending to.  And I figure when life feels so ridgedly (is that a word?) overwhelming, then something has to change.  My brothers aren't going to 'have a clue' as to our mom's care, and while our kids are amazing to help, I have to realize that it's us being the main carers and should stop imagining it otherwise.  From time to time Mom has a more than normal lucid moment and will apologize for me having to do her banking/bill paying, etc.  I always shush her, saying it's no big deal, but honestly, it is a big deal.  It's exhausting to plan her expenses, muddle through unexpected costs she's got to cover, and always leave a certain amount in her bank.  The alternative is....well, there is no alternative.  And don't get me started on having stamps all the time.  See, it's never anything big, but lots of little things that weigh me down.

Caregivers, even when they don't live with the elderly parent, are easily tired out.  You catch yourself saying it won't happen to you, but it does before you know it.

~ ~ ~

As my brain whirs, am planning on after today, putting up some Elderberry syrup for the cold months.  Bought 4 oz. of dried berries on Saturday, and have some raw honey, and the recipe is non-alcoholic, so my main squeeze can use it.  I treated us with my Elderberry tincture over the weekend for a cold second son caught, and everyone's fine.  Only youngest son showed signs of getting it, but after a few doses, we're all okay.  Love this stuff.   Will make a calming tincture as well---got some Passion Flower I'll mix with some other herbs---maybe Lemon Balm, Hops, Scullcap and whatever else sounds restful, but doesn't make me sleepy.   

You know, when you get into a pattern of 'always busyness' it's a stretch to find that quiet place again.  There are days when my insides feel all restful and non-static, but it's rare.  I have to make a concerted effort to make it happen.  That's my goal after today.  That silence of the spirit.  Hard won, but so worth it.

Oh my...

...just re-read what I wrote earlier today, especially about my mom.  Didn't mean to sound so harsh.  Gary caught me off guard last night, making a comment about me sounding a bit on edge.  Probably could've substituted 'snarky' but he didn't.  He was sweet about it, but it's interesting to be told you sound one way when your head says something totally different.  Odd.

So, in retaliation I began talking overly adorable, causing him to pretend to gag.  Yeah, he's always good for a laugh.

About to have a thunderstorm here, and we'll be graced with cooler temperatures for the weekend as a result.  Wonderful.

And the two younger girls want to paint the bathroom tomorrow.  More good stuff.  Second son bought paint for his apartment, got one can he didn't like, so brought it over here.  It's a medium teal sort of color and very intense.  Our bathroom is currently an obnoxious Pepto-Bismol pink, not a color I intended when we painted it, but we slapped it on anyhow.  I do hate it.  The girls want to use the teal, so I'll let them.  Let's call it Arts and Crafts Day.  I already took a brush to one of the bathroom walls, to see how it looked.  Beats the pink.  Gary walked in there, walked out frowning and I could see his face changing as he looked over at me.  He was getting ready to say something about how the teal was a bit much, but bit his lip.  Yeah, we'll go for it.

Fridays.  Now that we're not committed to doing my mom's grocery shopping then, I think I'll be happier.  And you know...when mama's happy...

'Tables in the Wilderness' by Preston Yancey

The first phrase that comes to mind in reading Preston Yancey's book Tables in the Wilderness is 'stream of consciousness.'  He spends the majority of the book talking about being broken and not finding his way in his Christian beliefs.  Truly, he's like a majority of young people who are attempting to pay homage to their upbringing, and at the same time decide if that's how they want to live their own adulthood.  And as his friend, Sam, says---Preston's not broken, though he continues to insist that he is.  Really, he's just seeking.  Claiming brokenness all the time might be more of a self-indulgent attention-getter, but my experience is that when you feel that way, you really feel that way.  You don't mean to come across as a martyr, though those who hear your grumbles might believe  you sound that way.

It is refreshing.  To read about a person's internal struggle with an honest attitude feels good to me.  He's not a know-it-all, though he is smug at times.  He has a poetic gift for getting his point across, but is angsty through most of his storytelling.  He seems in mental anguish, though that might sound extreme.  

His focus is on God's presence having left him.  That's he's out in the world on his own, drifting without any direction.  He seems to be looking for sure signs of what he's supposed to do, and only later in the book feels confident to make smart decisions after struggling through prayer.  To act no matter.

I believe that any honest Christian could relate to what Preston has experienced---what he's been open enough to share.  And happily, he does end the book on an upbeat note.  He breaks out into the light again.  Took all of his college years, but he does get there.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

A new leaf

There have been a few times in my adult life where I've been smacked upside the head with exhaustion.  True exhaustion.  The sort you read about in the newspapers that is suffered by actors.  You hear that so and so has been admitted to whichever hospital and is diagnosed as suffering with exhaustion brought on by back-to-back movie productions.

Okay, so my life is different, and my stresses are not the same, but still, I'm so worn out.  I realized when we got back from the store runs and the visit with my mom on Monday night that I was overdone.  Figured that doing her shopping once a week would be a plus, and it is, but it's not enough long-term to solve anything.  Add to this the fact that Mom was being a princess about wearing her support knee-highs for her badly swelling ankles and feet.  She didn't want to.  And she's begun wearing her disposable underthings all the time, rather than only at night which I recommended.  She's not incontinent, but (sorry to say) just lazy.  And she was giving me minor grief about her bills, which are getting paid, she's just not in charge of them anymore.  Some spirit from her is good, but not when I'm very busy.  Enough already.  Her previous narcissistic tendencies (which have all but disappeared since her stroke) are resurfacing at times.  Not appreciated, let me tell you.

So, I came home from her house mentally and physically done in.  And I'm still that way, but making small changes (doesn't that sound nice?) to allow for some self-control.

Saying 'no' is a healthy thing to do.  I'm learning.

The thing about this tiredness, though, is that you have to allow yourself to be tired and weak.  I think we're conditioned to keep on, keeping on.  We don't stop and so constant activity becomes the norm.  I don't want to be that way.  And it's not easy to convince your mom that you're, pretty much, taking care of all of her needs by yourself with the kids, and our children are priceless.  My brothers don't have a clue, but are glad somebody's holding the ball.  My family has been dumped on.  Guess somebody has to be the dumpee, but sharing the responsibility would be nice.  Dream on.

I'm going to set down the ball for the weekend.  Mom's got food.  Youngest son will spend tomorrow with her (oldest daughter dropping him off/picking him up), and on Saturday oldest daughter and I will go out to lunch.  Rest.  A change of pace.  Refreshment.  It's a first step in some changes.  Wish me luck.