New Year's Eve

Happy that tomorrow is another day off for many of my brood.  Gary probably won't go into the shop, and a few of the other kids will be home, or possibly will be by here to eat.  Second son is going to grill something delicious (as yet to be decided), and I'll make homemade Boston Baked Beans and Cole slaw.  We'll see how that flies.  My brain can take a holiday as well.  It needs an extended break, let me tell you.  More than a day's worth.

As to housework, pull the other one.  Have been hit with a huge dose of lethargy.  Not much tidying up is going on, but the tree is down (and in the backyard, waiting for the next garbage pick-up), and the decorations (except for the lights and greenery around the outside doors/wreaths/Nativity scene) are put away.  Going to let Baby Jesus stay out until Epiphany.  Sounds like a lot of work, taking all of that down, but not so.  The girls did most of it.  I dumped out the 50# bag of chicken feed in the container we use, changed the vacuum cleaner belt, and marveled at how well it sucked (yeah, well) afterward.  That was my yesterday.

Love days where I can really take those necessary deep breaths.  And New Year's Day provides a bit of time where I don't have to think about responsibilities, but can enjoy the day.  

Not sure what plans I want to tackle for the coming weeks.  Would like to be easier on myself, expect less, and as my mom said after her stroke, "I wish I'd had more fun."  That's it, pretty much, in a nutshell.

Happy New Year!

New starts...

Told oldest daughter yesterday that I wanted a goal of some sort for the new year.  Nothing spectacular, but something.  Said I needed to take better care of myself, mostly as an aside, not really thinking of anything in particular.  She mentioned why not let ME be my focus.  Huh.  Never thought of that one.  Spend so much time taking care of others, that I allow myself to be put way over to the side.

.

I need to lose weight.  That would make my knees happy, and my insides as well.  Been toting around extra baby pounds for way too long.  But the thing is, with my tendency to have a bad self-image, it's easy to look at myself as being unworthy.  Gosh, this is a never-ending conversation in my head.  Stop it.

It's not about the food, it's about stuffing down emotions with the temporary fix of something to eat.  If I was drawn to alcohol, I'd be a drunk---or had a yen for cigarettes, that'd be my habit.  Seems I've always needed something to be a comfort.  Something additional.

I realize the Lord is supposed to be sufficient.  I know that.  But my tendency is to reach for a food item when I'm stressed---engrained like nobody's business.

Going all-out like some folks with being in a denial sort of diet doesn't work for me.  To say no to flour or sugar makes me feel scolded.  I realize I'll hate myself if I mess up, then I'll throw up my hands.  Limiting portions works.  Loving myself works.  Caring enough about ME works.  But the bad habits of years---hard to make work.  

Today is good.  I can live with baby steps.  Really the only thing that makes any sense.

Monday night

Got Mom taken care of today.  Groceries and supplies.  She was a bit depressed, linked I think with her Christmas plans which fell through, but we were unaware of that until the day after.  A mess. Communication skills lacking in everyone, including me.

When we returned home today, I had to decompress.  I always feel so darn guilty.  Gary keeps telling me things aren't my fault, but it's hard for me to accept.  I was brought up to be the scapegoat.  Isn't that still my role?  Upset at Mom's long-term situation, which (as they say) 'is what it  is.'  Our youngest son hates that quote.

Deep breaths.

Spring cleaning tomorrow.  Roach bait bought.  I know, eeeewwww.  Cabinets to tidy up.  Pots and pans to sort.  Walls to wash and freshen up.  Overall kitchen cleaning.  Sounds inviting.  

But I don't want to be overly consumed with housework though from the look of the place, I should be!  But still, I need to rest.  We all need a time to relax and take care of ourselves.  I read something on an herbal site the other day---talking about drinking Chamomile for relaxation, and how the present-day pace has interfered with our ability to say no and just take it easy.  We're not able to slow down because we're so driven to do the next thing.  It takes a concerted effort to actually stop.

I don't want our children, especially our girls to see me doing that.  So, rest it is.  With tea.  Always tea.

Sunday night

Another week off from school.  Yes.  Beef Burgundy ala Julia Child for dinner tonight.  Yum.  Life and deep thinking sort of on hold for a few days.  Absolutely.  Bills paid.  Thankful.

Daughter worn out from heavy schedule at work because of Christmas.  She's really considering an extended leave of absence from work for a bit.  She's so exhausted.  Her break-up from her boyfriend a few months ago is still hurting, and she's buried herself in work.  Time to just take time.  Needs some mothering.  And she's not missing him, but smarting from his treatment of her.  Wounded.

Thinking that after we get Mom all settled tomorrow with groceries and all, I'll focus on some early spring cleaning.  We have this roach problem in the kitchen---some new breed that the boys seem to have brought home from the restaurant.  Not a huge issue, but in this old house, an issue nonetheless.  Having a crawlspace underneath the house contributes to the situation.   

Looking forward to some breathing space.  Not sure exactly what that means, but I'm willing to make an attempt.  Two kids off work this week (and around which is nice for a change), and the ability to play, read and sleep in without feeling guilty.  I'm in.

A Merry Christmas Eve

~an old photo of my favorite ornament

An overcast day.  Not raining, but restful.  The girls are watching 'all-day' Christmas movies on t.v.  Lame acting, but that fits with what a Christmas movie is all about, yes?  Hallmark on steroids.  But sweet, and that's what counts.  No heavy thinking.  My woodboy is puttering with his pens.  He went to the shop briefly, but nobody was about, so he came home.  Nice.

Baking the Cranberry Christmas Cake for divvying out to the older boys.  We'll have a simple dinner tonight of potato salad (already made) and tuna fish sandwiches which Woodboy will make since he says we all use too much mayonnaise.  

Church will be after dinner.  Late enough so folks can be together for the evening meal at home beforehand, which is a good idea.  Candles, but no incense.  Think I'll try to get photos since it's so absolutely stunning with the lights low and the hurricane lampshades in the windows.  Greenery and red ribbons.  Should be a restful time after weeks of preparations with life in general.  Holy Communion, which we do whenever the doors are open, but it's a wonderful way to be open to new beginnings.  I do love the idea of fresh starts, especially since the last two years have been so draining.

Not sure which boys will join us for dinner tomorrow night.  Everyone will be here in the morning, which is a huge blessing.  Boys-with-girlfriends will likely not be here for the rest of the day.  So thankful to have all my chickens early on, though.  Mending fences as we speak.  Wounded relationships are healing.

Wondering if any of them will have announcements to share.  Oldest son is making noises about changes.  Quiet noises, but noise nonetheless. He rents an apartment with second son, but only pays rent.  He's never there, and said he won't be part of the new lease come spring.  Third son is officially engaged, but they're not talking about wedding plans.  Yet.

A no-drama Christmas sounds just the ticket for me.  Quiet, which is what we all need so desperately.  And the ability to listen.

Take care.

The twenty-third

~daisy has the right idea

Here's the thing.  I've been reading other blogs and seeing what everyone's up to for Christmas.  Some are rattled (like yours truly was yesterday), some are overly precious (which isn't me, but is sometimes so doggone cute), and some are all caught up in the joy of the holiday.  Really experiencing it.  I enjoy all the stories.  Traditions are so special and individual.

Thankful for a short trip out with fourth son this morning, which was totally not planned.  Got bath towels for one son who lives away, since his towels sort of disappeared.  Not a clue.  I bought cheap, white ones that can be bleached to heck, because he tends to get into stuff when he works on his car.  And we still do his laundry here, so I figure I can buy him the most sensible towels known to man.  And cheap is the most sensible.  Besides, thick and plush towels take forEVer to dry in the dryer.

No chores to do now except make another batch of that Cranberry Christmas Cake from the other day that was such a hit.  I'll do that tomorrow---will pack some up for the three oldest boys.  It was a tad too tart for me, but a drizzle of confectioner's sugar frosting ought to fix that.

Listening to old Justin Bieber and NSync (feeding my special fondness for boybands).  If the girls would quit putting their CDs on my laptop, I'd not go through this temptation (read sarcasm---nobody's twisting my arm here).  They were making Christmas cookies and gingerbread men before I went out today and first began playing Josh Groban Christmas music that was making me sad.  Just so melancholy.  Then they suddenly switched to Elvis which made me want to do the Twist.  The least one ADORES Elvis.  Got her some dangly earrings with him on them.  She'll have a fit.  You should hear her sing along with him.  She knows all the words.  Who knew?

Everything's (hopefully) winding down for all of us.  Get some sleep.

Only Monday

Packages in the mail.  My true love received some ink for his fountain pens, and also an old Scheaffer pen and pencil set.  He's a new addict for pens, it seems, while his wife has her books.  We struck a deal (and I'm running behind, it appears), where for every pen he buys, I get to purchase a book.  Seriously, I need more. Okay, so maybe I don't.  That's the question.

And speaking of books, my Christmas present from said husband came today---the Julia Child cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking Vol. I.  I remember as a child watching her show in b/w while my mom cooked dinner.  I'd sit on the floor and just soak her up.  My mom wasn't a fan, but I sure was.  Still am.  As to the book, I've not opened it yet.  Saving it for Christmas morning.

Maybe going to the library tomorrow.  Hoping to get a book or two to last me the Christmas weekend.  J. F. Powers book called Wheat That Springeth Green is my current look-see.  They have it at the main branch, and I figure I've earned an outing alone.  I'm a bit overdone with talking to my family and being with people.  And the dogs.  I'm tired of them as well.  Constantly in need.  Pugs pretty much have bottom-less pits for stomachs.  They'd eat all the time if we'd let them.  Sort of piggish.

On the plus side, I went to the Mediterranean store for more Cardamom tea and the guy wished me a Merry Christmas.  No, I don't look Middle Eastern, pretty much western European, if you have to ask. Dark hair, light eyes---we're not thinking of Iraq here.  Made me happy he'd say that in his thick accent.  All customers welcome, at least that's the impression they give.  

. 

Now must chill.  My mood is saying I'm a bit weary of talk, and most of the people I live with love to talk.  I can feel myself getting antsy.  If it wasn't raining, I'd go sit on the swing in the backyard.  Might have to escape to the front porch for a spell.  Must.  Have.  Silence.

Round two...

~sunday's treat...donuts

We'll do Mom's shopping in the morning.  I want to have her all set-up before the week gets in full swing.  And with her going to other family for Christmas Day, I'm free later on.  Hope that doesn't sound mean, but I'm tired.  Tired of caring for folks, and tired of spreading myself too thin.  After church this morning I was hit with a wave of exhaustion.  All of sudden I wasn't feeling so good, and came home and got into bed.  Perfect.  Gosh, Christmas-time is wearing, isn't it?  All the emotions tied in with it, trying to do more than necessary, and making attempts at pulling the world all together.  

Not so good at that.  The pulling together part.  Got lots of loose ends, but maybe that's just the way of it with me.

Even after dinner tonight oldest daughter asked my opinion about her changing her work schedule, possibly just working two days a week.  The thing is, and we discussed this, her employer depends on our daughter to do most of the work.  She works at a small shop specializing in machine embroidery...monograms.  She's the only full-time employee, and the void with her gone or working less will be huge.  Anyway, we both told her she could actually stop working completely for a bit.  We offered the same to our oldest son after he became exhausted with his job.  He took off a year, and it was only contingent on him being able to pay his own bills.  Had to have enough savings to take care of insurance, etc.  We said the same to her.  She's good with that, even got a bit excited about it.  We'll pray and see what happens.

Speaking of praying, Yesterday I read Anne Lamott's book called Help, Thanks, Wow and it was wonderful.  Got it for 2 bucks at the library bookstore, and while it was a quick read, it was just what I needed to read at that particular moment.  She makes me cry.  But who doesn't?

Take some time.  Remember that.

'The Daniel Cure' by Susan Gregory and Richard J. Bloomer, PhD

One of the opening chapters of Susan Gregory's The Daniel Cure says the following:  "The sad truth is that millions of people exist in a state of severe spiritual and emotional hunger.  Some experts even describe it as a kind of malnutrition.  Men, women, and children who are hungry for love and significance feel a painful emptiness, and many will battle this pain throughout their lives.  What do hungry people do?  They eat."

Yes.

If I didn't ever read more of Gregory's book, I was empowered by those simple words. Truer words have never been spoken, and as one who lives bound to a form of emotional deprivation, I can attest to its hold on me.

This book cuts to the quick of our bad eating habits, and our emotional stresses which drive us to rewarding our bodies with food.  I appreciate the way she addresses our spiritual/mental health in terms of how we abuse ourselves.  And how the mind and heart have to be healthy for our physical selves to heal.

My plan is to follow the Daniel Cure after the New Year.  A fresh beginning.  Twenty-one days to start.  That long to adjust to a new set of eating habits.  I'm looking forward to it.  And with recipes and a devotional to follow for those 21 days, there's plenty of help for success.

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

'Novel Interiors' by Lisa Borgnes Giramonti

As a follower of Lisa Borgnes Giramonti's blog, A Bloomsbury Life, I was very pleased to hear about the publication of her book called Novel Interiors:  Living in Enchanted Rooms Inspired by Literature.  Happily it lives up to the writing and photographs I'm used to her sharing.

This gorgeous book is divided up into six decorative styles including the cozy, cottagey look found in Elizabeth Gaskell and Kenneth Grahame's writing on to the fancier styles that are reminiscent of F. Scott Fitzgerald, and lots in between, including a Bohemian section that's wonderfully colorful.  And to add further to her beautiful writing, Lisa has brought together the photographs of Ivan Terestchenko and paired them with literary quotes that match in clever ways.  

"Simple elegance is what we aim at...make it all look pretty, and impromptu, and natural."~from Elizabeth Gaskell's Wives and Daughters

Happily her decorating advice is creative and helpful.  Ways to use color or accessories in order to achieve the look she's focusing on---causing you to think beyond what's currently being used in your home.  And with the book sectioned off into the six style categories, you're able to focus on whichever style appeals to you the most.  But maybe my most favorite part is reading the quotes she uses.  For a reader, this is rich indeed.  More books to hunt for, and being further inspired by the beautiful rooms.  Interior design and reading.  The perfect match.

I found it a very charming book---very much like her blog.

(i received this book free to review from bloggingforbooks)

Saturday evening

So, I wonder how many women woke up this morning all bent out of shape because of having too long a 'to-do' list.  Holding up hand here.  I got to sleep a bit too late, but with the help of some wonderful herbal tea oldest daughter shared, slept fine.  Then woke up to let out the chickens.  So far, so good.  Got back into bed.  Brain began spinning.

Man.

Breakfast tea and a bit of quiet time.

Went to church with Gary to set up the Altar.  Finished decorating one tree that needed more of our homemade Crismons on it.  Hung around for heating guy to check the church furnaces.  Left and did some shopping, which actually was a splendid time.  The bulk of the shoppers had already gone home.  Whupped, I reckon.  We only went to Michael's and Fresh Market.  Avoided the malls for sure.  No need, anyhow.

Home to a honey-baked ham husband's shop landlady gave us, along with some scalloped potatoes and angel biscuits I made.  

And all my anxiety was for nothing.  

All is well.  Shopping done except for groceries and some stocking stuffers.   

Take a breath.  It's all okay.

Thursday night

This is such a silly admission.  Last night, youngest son was watching a video that our second son had rented---'Guardians of the Galaxy.'  At the beginning, the lead character has on headphones and is listening to old (sounds like 80's music---my generation) tunes.  He gets his groove on, is dancing and looks so cool, and I had the craziest thought, that that's the way I am in my head.  I can dance really well, and always have my groove on.  In my head.  Yeah, I can moonwalk.  In my head.  Like when you're in the grocery store and a great song comes on over the stereo system (when they're not announcing specials), and how you get the strongest urge to do a dance down the cereal aisle.  

Am I the only one?

~ ~ ~

Got out to do some shopping today, and went to the library's used bookstore first.  Found a few Frederick Buechner's for second son, and a John Keats for oldest daughter, along with a couple of vintage Christmas children's books.  Another Miss Read for me and a Susan Hill, also an Anne Lamott.  Addict.  

Moving on.

~ ~ ~

Going to bake tomorrow.  On Pinterest I found a recipe for Christmas Cranberry Bars, and it's showing up at the bottom of this page (well, today it is).  The other day in the misfit pile of seconds at the store, I got four bags of sort of fresh/not so fresh cranberries that'll be perfect for this recipe and some cranberry bread.  Looking forward to it.  For three boys who don't live here I'll make goodie bags with their gifts.  I'll put in some of the cranberry stuff, depending on how it works out.  Figure we'll give some to our neighbors as well.  I'm thinking the Bars will make a lot.  Hoping so.

Time to quit.  Listening to One Direction, and second daughter is feeding my pigs on HayDay.  She's got a silly grin on her face, so will see what she's actually doing on my phone.  We're so lame.

A Wednesday that feels like Friday...

Just came in from cleaning out the chicken coop, putting fresh straw underneath in their hidey-hole, and generally tidying them up.  I sat on the bench out there, and Milk came and hopped up in my lap.  She and I watched the sparrows eat chicken feed.  Peaceful and sweet to be out there.  I do love birds so.  And keeping an ear out for the Owl, who showed up yesterday, but hasn't been by today.  YET.

Thinking about things.

Oldest daughter's best friend has a brother (who I briefly mentioned a few months ago), who got into a compromising situation while drinking which resulted in a baby, who was born last week.  Darling little boy named Jackson.  The interested parties are having paternity tests done this week, and we're all silently waiting on pins and needles. Silent because the friend's younger siblings (there are ten children total) are unaware of what's happened, and our youngest don't know either.  It'll impact everyone in some way or another.  Daughter's girlfriend is so shamed by this that she is making herself miserable.  Sort of like us with having sons living with girlfriends, seems if you've raised them right, this shouldn't happen.....but it does.  Sin is out there whether you want to recognize it or not.  But I understand the reality of a baby is different than not having a baby.  The child is proof of the indiscretion, whilst horsing around can be shrouded in having a good time, without paying the piper, so to speak.

Makes me tired.  And you know, all of these kids know better.

I was reading a blog earlier today, and the woman was talking about her two sons.  They're Godly young men, apparently behaving, and both have a strong Christian witness.  She talks about reading to them, devotionals they'd have, church-going, etc.  Credits the way they were raised with how they'd turned out.  Well, yeah, but only to a certain degree.  You really can do everything in your power to raise them up in the fear of the Lord, but after that, they're on their own.  And you can't beat yourself up when they stray.  I've cried myself dry over our children, their sin and their apparent enjoyment of the same.  Tears me up.  We did all the things that other mother did, but at least now, some of them aren't following that teaching.  I'd tell that mom to be very, very thankful.  Not to take it for granted, which I don't think she does, and to cherish her sons' faith.  What a gift.  I just might have to wait a bit until the kickback occurs.  

~ ~ ~

Drinking a hot cup of Darjeeling and eating a heavily frosted and sprinkled Christmas cookie from the pile the girls made today.  About to get up and maybe make a quick little pot of potato soup for the festivities at church tonight.  Not very motivated.  Might take cookies instead, just as an offering.  We always take stuff, and with consistently being involved doing, it'd be a nice change to back off a bit.  The least one will be Mary in the Pageant.  One family with four little girls moved away this summer, so the number of children available for the play have dwindled, but my goodness, it's sweet. 

~ ~ ~

Oh, and it seems like our dog, Romeo, has had, as Gary puts it, a Come to Jesus experience.  Since he hit his back and wigged out a couple of weeks ago, he's a new man.  His disposition, which can be sort of scary, has quietened quite a bit.  Can't explain it unless his brief attack of paralysis affected his brain.  He'd been pushing it, over-barking when someone's at the door, which is nice in a guard dog sense, but when it's the family who's coming in, it gets a bit much.  He's not known the meaning of the words self-control.  Now he's actually nice, and pleasant all the time.  A change for sure.

~ ~ ~

And in further Christmas news.  Gary said last night that he wanted me to have Julia Child's cookbook, Mastering the Art of French Cooking.  He said that if I'd order it---being that ordering can be tricky, and considering that there are two volumes put out in different years---it would be his present to me.  He's already given me a poetry book, so he didn't have to do this, but I'm proud he brought it up.  Hard to find that cookbook in used bookstores.  Darn near impossible, and I've been looking.  Next hard book to find is the Latin Vulgate with the English translation alternating the verses.  Gary was reading that CS Lewis had written that it's a wonderful way to learn Latin, by reading the New Testament in Latin/English verse by verse.  He already downloaded it on his phone, but I'd prefer a hard copy.  Fun to look, especially if it's difficult to locate.  I could go to the Catholic bookstore to get it, but that's way too easy.

Yak, yak, yak.  Got to go now.  You take care.

Mom's business

I was all twisted up this morning, thinking of all that needed doing for my mom.  Makes me crazy.  Woke up, bam.  First thing on my mind.  Had my quiet-time anyway, which is so necessary to my sanity, prayed about my situation, then got to it.  First called my mom to find out what else she needed, then went to the store for her. Came home, made the spaghetti she wanted for my brothers' dinner with her on Wednesday, and then did schoolwork with the kids.  Then left again with the girls to clean Mom's house, and take her groceries.

My bad attitude reared its head this morning when I realized I was making their dinner which I wouldn't be sharing.  Historically for me this has been a sore point.  My brother comes into town, my other brother goes over to Mom's as well, and the three of them share a meal.  Okay, so Gary says, "But you don't want to eat with them."  True story, but the fact remains I feel left out.  I'm never invited to be part of their gathering.  Yeah, immature.  Sue me.

So I have to get over my sour mood, make them food, clean house for my emotionally-detached brother's visit, and move on.  I can't hold onto the anger.  I've got no room for it, you know?

~ ~ ~

But I was so pleased at how her house shone after the little girls and I left.  It smelled good, there was food in the house, and she had her bath. I was satisfied.

We got back home after dark, and Gary met us outside.  He hugged me, and said he realized it was tough for me to be the one Mom always depended on, and he said the sweetest thing.  Funny, but sweet.  He said that while I sometimes had a bad attitude, I still did what needed doing for her.  I suck it up and do it.  True story.  There's nobody else who will.  I needed to hear that.

He allowed for me that it's hard, and that meant a lot.  I don't always have to be happy about what needs doing, but doing it is the main thing.  

Now, with my brother coming in town tomorrow, I'm off duty until the end of the week.  He leaves on Thursday.  A mental break for me, and she'll enjoy the company.  We all win.

A tiny bit of Christmas spirit

Got a tree.  Fraser fir, and seems very fresh.  We've not had a real tree for, gosh, I don't know how long it's been.  So long ago, we even had to get a tree stand.  Way back when I was in the midst of making babies, I became allergic to both cats and Christmas trees.  I remember the last year we had a real tree in the house (twenty-something years ago?) and I had bronchitis so bad that I took the tree down right after dinner on Christmas night. Happened several years in a row before I figured out what was going on. That's been so long ago.  We got an artificial the next year, and our second fake tree fell apart last year.  I promised the kids we'd go the real route this year.  We'll see how it goes.  Gary says that at the first sign of me not being able to breathe, or beginning to cough, out it goes.  My hero.  Usually I'm good until it begins to dry out.  That's why we waited so long.

Shopped with oldest daughter yesterday.  As we were heading out of town, she asked if we could just take it slow, and not hurry at all.  And that's what we did.  Went to a small town east of here, puttered around, bought things in a couple of consignment shops and had a restful day.  Came home to an easy dinner, since Gary had already bought some groceries while we were gone.  

Speaking of which.  I realize I don't appreciate him like I should.  He really does take good care of me, puts me first and guards our time jealously.  He's the romantic, I'm the practical one.  Isn't that backwards?

A busy week ahead.  Must get my head on straight, so I can E.N.J.O.Y. it.

Friday night...

Some days are days of no accomplishments, but simply maintaining the normal flow of things.  Today was such a day.  Rest and then, more rest.  I still tend to walk around with tense shoulders, but here in bed now, all is well.

Tomorrow, oldest daughter and I are going out to lunch and then to putter around at the shops.  I make that sound maybe more quaint than the reality, but we are determined to find some out-of-the-way spots to browse.  No heavy-duty shopping, but lighthearted fun.  Hoping.

~ ~ ~

*Next week promises to be a tad busy, with a call from my mom yesterday asking me to make some spaghetti for my out-of-town brother's visit to her from Tuesday through Thursday.  We'll shop for her Monday morning, make food, then take it over and clean her house in a company-coming fashion. 

*Then Tuesday, we'll go over to the antique shop where Woodboy has his shop and clean for his landlady.  Her life is overwhelming difficult now (husband with Alzheimer's & a recent robbery at her home) so a clean antique shop might brighten up her day.  

*Then....wait for it.....more to do.  This will be fun, though.  Church dinner on Wednesday, ornament (Chrismon) making---lots of glitter, singing caroles, and my very favorite past-time will be the Christmas pageant.  I love it.

~ ~ ~

But this weekend, hopefully we'll find a tree.  Simple meals.  The calm before the so-called storm of Christmas.  Not a big fuss at our house, but we tend to make it sort of quiet.  And the kids are agreeable to that.

You take care.

Things at home...

A better day than yesterday, which saw me going out to the bookstore after dinner for a little pick-me-up disguised as used book buying.  I needed a fix.  Found a perfect copy of Elizabeth Buchan's Consider the Lily.  Never have read that one, but have read all of her other books---Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman, etc.  Three bucks.  Deal.

I had to get out of the house, after youngest son drove me nuts earlier in the afternoon.  We've been having these episodes of clashing wills, but I refuse to allow one more child get the better of me.  I tend to go into their rooms, confront them, and at least attempt to clear the air.  As I knocked on this son's bedroom door yesterday afternoon, I distinctly heard the Lord tell me, "This might not be the best time."  And yes, I disregarded the warning.  Should've listened, but eventually it worked out.  Later might have been better, however.  Several hours later, he hugged me before bed.  Oh my, glad of that, but parenting will eat you up and spew you out.  Hugs are a good way to end a trying day, though.  Children whose moods are unreliable, are, well, not my favorite thing in the world.

Tomorrow should be low-key.  This particular son will take his schoolwork over to my mom's for the day, and the girls and I will get a break.  I need to get it in gear in terms of Christmas.  Have ordered a few things online, which should be here soon.  Need a tree.  Cut one?  I'm thinking a Cedar found in some out-of-the-way location would be nice.  Wreaths are still in the attic, as are the decorations.  Guess you could say we're taking it slow.  We are reading Advent selections every night (thank you sweet Sara) and lighting the candles.  That's about it.  Nobody's complaining, so I guess it's not a problem.

Off to read now.  Several review books to dig into, and my E. Buchan.  Take care.

Well, here I am again...

Well, this just feels foolish.  Had such high hopes with the blog at the other site, but I'm having awful issues with that blog loading up (very slow Internet speed at our house) and so, here I am again.  ::shrugs::  Much ado about nothing.  Rather than beat myself up about it, though, will move along, and stay put.

The thing is, we have Internet through our cell phone account since we cancelled Comc*ast, and for the money we're paying with our re-worked budget, our fast speed service runs through very quickly with 3-4 users.  Then it's gone.  Afterwards we're stuck with a slower speed, that is, until the T-Mob*ile resets each month.  Can't load movies or videos unless you're very patient.  And I mean, VERY patient.  With the Weebly site, I'm waiting for about fifteen minutes or more for pages to load so I can post.  On Blogger, it's much quicker.  Like a couple of minutes.  I don't have time to wait for Weebly to load.  It's just ridiculous.

Sorry for making you run over there, just to run over here again.  Sort of embarrassing, which is where my life is at present.  Or not embarrassing, as much as maddening.  Yeah, maddening.  Sons.  Not even talking about those two of the three who've moved out.  The two at home are my present frustration.

~ ~ ~

I think one thing is valid.  My boys, for the most part, are seeing women out in the world who are professionals, or striving for that goal.  I stay at home, though I'm well-educated.  They see the opposite of what I'm striving to achieve here, which puts creating a life at home on the back burner for many women, or not even making it to the stove.  I took one son to the orthopaedic doctor last week, and I made an idle comment about how it's often hard for me to be out and about, preferring to be at the house.  The noise and busyness of folks distracts me.  Everyone's so serious.  He said something about how I couldn't manage outside the home, and couldn't relate to the business world.  I meant I can live without the drama and rushing around.  He thinks I don't have a clue.  Oh brother.  I've not been living under a rock all this time.  Give me some credit.  Please.

Thankfully one son is very supportive of our lifestyle here, and seeking a girlfriend/wife who has the goals my husband I have been working so hard on.  Our girls are the same.  Sometimes feel like I was handed the wrong script.

Is it because the younger generation has misplaced their values and goals?  Is achievement the main objective here?  Money and stuff?  There's a disconnect I'm sensing and it's not an advantage.  From my seat here, I see the trend of pulling away from their roots as being a very definite negative.  Thoughts?

Moving day...

I've not moved my blog house in awhile, and maybe it's time to keep up the trend---not disappoint folks. ;)  Found a site called Weebly, which is free (unless you upgrade), and very easy to manage.  Beautiful templates and artwork.  Pretty much a no brainer.

As I've said there, this will be my book review blog.  I have work to do here to tidy up, but in time it'll be done.  

That said, please join me at Cracked China.

Gone fishin'

Taking a blogging break.  A little Internet housekeeping probably in order.  If my site goes private in the meantime after you read this, not to worry.  Will be back up soon.  :) 

'The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up' by Marie Kondo

I have to admit to reading lots of de-cluttering books in the course of the last few years.  Most have the same theme threading through them, and mostly we know all of what they're telling us.  We just want to postpone the inevitable, which is that the cleaning must take place.  But, from time to time, someone hits onto a topic that's a bit different.  Marie Kondo in The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up has come up with a trick that might be the one thing that finally clicks with me.  

She says to take up each item in your house and ask if it brings you joy.  At first thought that sounds a bit over-the-top, but if you think about it, it makes sense.  Of course the idea of putting all of your clothes, ALL of your clothes on the floor and going through them item by item seems bizarre.  But that's what Marie asks you to do.  Then you do the same with your books, on down to your special mementos.  Each thing you ask of it if it brings you joy.  Yes, you heard it.  Joy.

And if you think about it, we have houses full of stuff that fills space, and we don't even like it much.  

Since finishing Marie's book I've taken up corners of the house and asked the question.  I've not piled up all my clothes to sort, but with a houseful of humans with me, I might have to alter her style to work for me.  Maybe I'm not radical about this cleaning thing, but Marie Kondo has inspired me in her book called The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.  And on a humorous note, I downloaded the ebook to read.  No clutter there!

(i received this book free to review from bloggingforbooks)

'The Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible'

The new Duck Commander Faith and Family Bible (NKJV) which is edited and graced by Phil Robertson and his son, Al, is wonderful.  Full of the stories we've grown familiar reading and then some, but with even more heart.  I love these guys.  And I secretly have a crush on Phil, but we won't go into that.

The Bible has sections of special topics such as:  Compassion, Marriage, Faith, Forgiveness, Happiness, Solace (which sounds so appealing) and much more.  Scripture is sited and personal stories go along with all of the topics---all relevant to that particular section.  There are cross-references and so much extra material to study by.  Really an excellent Bible, and while I don't usually read Study Bibles, I would heartily endorse this one.  For anyone who's a believer in our Lord Jesus Christ and a fan of the Robertsons, this is a beautiful Bible to own.  It's extremely well-done.

And love this on the book jacket:  "Happy, happy, happy are the people whose God is the Lord!"~Psalm 144:15 (extra happies added)

(i received this book free to review from booklookbloggers)

Having a love affair with parentheses

Had promised myself to not get frazzled this week, and have already broken my promise.  Figured today could be spent with cleaning (not in a mad-woman sort of way, but quietly), but that's not happening.  Called my mom to ask her a banking question, which set the ball rolling. She was very sweet (which is her nature now), and we got squared away, but it involved me going to her bank, which I didn't have on my schedule.  Had to go to ours as well, since their mobile app didn't accept two deposits last night.  Then had to pay Mom's bills, get stamps, which happily have reindeer on them (had mild anxiety attack because of too much to do), bought her groceries so we could deliver them either tomorrow or Wednesday (pumping for Wednesday).  Now in bed resting.

Dang.

I do figure, though, if I stay home tonight (have to delay grocery shopping 'til those checks clear), then tomorrow can pass in a routine sort of way, except for doing our Thanksgiving shopping, which ought to be fun, and I really mean that.  Having to shop around for turkey deals though, since our store isn't having one.  Got a mid-sized one at Target today when I got Mom's stuff (store brand, $.89/pound) to roast on Thanksgiving Eve to save for Thursday to add to the bigger turkey I'm planning to roast then.  One isn't enough.  Well, if I could buy a 30 pound turkey it'd be enough. :)  Not happening.  There's not such a bird.  Is there?

Then probably on Wednesday will take Mom her things, help her bathe and do her hair in preparation for her to go to her sister's with my oldest brother for Thanksgiving.  And get home in time to go to church, which I'm really looking forward to.  A quiet spell in the midst (or at the end of) my busyness.  The least one is an acolyte this month, so she has to be there anyhow.  Incense would be nice too, but not holding my breath.  Would be delightful, though.

~ ~ ~

On a curious note, second son is helping a friend slaughter/kill/process/execute (what's the right word?) chickens and turkeys tomorrow.  Interesting, but not so much that I need details.  Just thought it was an odd thing to make note of.  On the upside, he might get paid in poultry.  Organic, and probably happy meat.  We'll see.

~ ~ ~

Will toddle off now.  Talking settled my spirits some.  I can hear middle daughter puttering around in the kitchen, cleaning and such.  Bless her heart.  She's got music on her headphones, so is mindlessly tidying up.  Such a help.

Take care and be kind to yourselves.  This is supposed to be a happy holiday, remember.

Saturday evening

Sat out with the chickens this morning.  Nora and Anastasia looked down-right pitiful.  Their pin feathers are coming in and they look all prickly.  Madelyn has almost finished filling out again, and she must've been aware, because she was strutting around, and being a glutton with their treats.  No need to rub it in.  Milk, whose molting is almost over, was being the darling she always is, hopping into my lap so I could cuddle her.  I do love that chicken.  Sweet Nora hopped up for a second, but was so bedraggled, I think she just felt too cranky to be hugged.  Besides, I've read that they feel a bit sore and uncomfortable when their new feathers are coming in.  It's all an education to me, since they didn't molt last winter, being that they weren't even a year old.  

~ ~ ~

So thankful for my Woodboy to have work in the shop, enough to get us caught up and allow for turkey and all the trimmings.  God is faithful whether we are or not.

~ ~ ~

And looking forward to church in the morning, as always.  I got orange tulips and white roses for the altar vases, gifted by some friends' daughter's birthday.  They'll be the last official flowers before Christmas, since we'll just use greenery (holly and magnolias) until the poinsettias are bought.  The paraments will be green, so I figured the orange/white would look pretty.  Fall-ish.

~ ~ ~

Now to keep my head on straight for the coming week.  Was at a neighbor's house today and she'll be alone, I think, and I'm not sure whether to invite her or not.  I'm not the most gracious inviter-of-folks-who-never-come-over, and generosity as a hostess isn't my strong-suit.  And with our son's fiance coming, I'm a bit antsy about that.  Just a bit.  Have promised myself to NOT get overcome, and inviting more folks gets me anxious.  Might be the right thing in a Christian spirit sort of way, but this is where being an introvert is a true hang-up.  I could be really great at being a hermit.

Not going to fret about it, though.  Enough on my plate.

Friday noon-time

A drizzly day, which always strikes me as a gift.  Went out just after seven this morning to let out the chickens.  A mist was in the air, the sun was breaking through the clouds just a bit, and the hens were beginning to make noise.  Damp, not so chilly, though it was only in the high thirties even then.  But there's a huge difference in twenties and thirties.  Almost warm.  

I always speak to the girls before I open up the coop, taking off the safety latch that keeps the monsters out----slowly opening the door so's I don't scare them.  They sort of mutter back to me, a quiet hen-sound.  Then begin eating ravenously the bread I always give them as a morning treat.  Some leftover seed from our Conure.  Two are in the throes of molting now, the other two finished for the most part, and we're not getting any eggs at present.  They're busy making new feathers, and have no energy to make eggs.  I understand being a chicken is hard work.

So.  Only at home with two youngest girls, and we'll have a quiet day.  Leftover chili for dinner---actually made of Moose, from meat brought home from fourth son's work.  His bosses go hunting every fall, and they gifted their employees.  Makes me shudder to cook wild meat, but it's really very tasty.  You just have to get over the fact that it's Moose.  Bullwinkle.  You know.

I need rest today.  Turn off worries, which really aren't worries, but preoccupations that cause my mind to stumble along.  Things about Mom.  Our children.  Things I can't change, but have to either accept or deal with in my head.  Life.  

Off I go.

Mental anguish

I'd really like to know what it is in a person's life/past that causes them always to take the blame for things.  That's a real problem I consistently deal with---being presented with a situation and taking on the responsibility for it not working out.  All the time.  Heck, it could be something I don't have anything whatsoever to do with, but I figure I'm guilty.

Yesterday, oldest daughter had her day off and she drove me and the three youngest ones to the library.  We had a great time getting huge piles of books, but while I knew I had a fine to pay, she didn't know she had one.  She mentioned it as we walked to her car afterward, sounding surprised that she had to pay $5.00.  I admit, that IS a lot.  Coincidentally, just about what I owed. Anyway, automatically I thought it was because she'd checked out books for me in the past.  In the past, like a couple of months ago.  Now, consider, she's used her card since then, and my books had long been returned.  It couldn't have been my fault, but I immediately thought so.

And my mom's bank account is lower than she likes.  Truth is she's had two months of property taxes to pay, and my brother who sends her money hasn't sent any recently.  Her Social Security is her only income, and while it's low, she can live on it---that is, unless she has consecutive high bills.  Added to that is a $400.00 bill with the a/c going out a month ago.  But today when she mentioned wanting to move money from her reverse mortgage account, I felt guilty.  Like I've messed up on paying her bills or buying her groceries.  It's my fault (or so my brain says).  Nevermind the fact that she's had more than $600.00 extra needing to go out.

Is this common?  Anyone else haunted by this nonsense?  So hard to shake.   Sort of egotistical, but in reverse.  Gary gets so frustrated with me, of how difficult it is for me to do things for myself.  He'll say he's crazy about me---why can't I feel the same for myself?

Poor self-esteem on steroids.  It's like I have to justify accepting pleasure in all its forms.  I even struggled today with buying a Mrs. Meyer's candle in the new Christmas Clove/Orange scent.  Did I deserve it?  Middle daughter says, "Oh Mom.  Buy the candle.  It's only a candle!"

Glad our kids don't suffer with this.  It torments me.  Seems I've been listening long-term to the Deceiver.  Lord have mercy.  Truly.

'A Kitchen in France' by Mimi Thorisson

I've just finished reading Mimi Thorisson's beautiful cookbook called A Kitchen in France--A Year of Cooking in My Farmhouse and found it such a comfort.  With her husband's crisp and mouthwatering photographs highlighting her cooking, she makes every day a Feast Day.  I'm inspired, and encouraged to be a bit more adventurous in the kitchen.  And to take more care in preparing a meal.

Mimi takes the simplest of ingredients and creates a masterpiece.  And in reading through the recipes, she proves that the most ordinary bits and pieces can be woven together to feed family and friends in an elegant way.

With modern lifestyles being centered more on hurry and get-it-done in as short a time as possible, she brings old-style into our homes.  Her meals are definitely full of love.

I truly loved reading her book.  Every page is a delight.  And the way the book is divided into seasons is clever, telling us how to cook within a framework on what's available and fresh.  To cook within those parameters gives a bit of new-ness to a meal, not assuming all ingredients are at their best at all times.  I like that idea.  Plus, cooking within the seasons allows some foods to be looked forward to.

I wish her well, and truly offer thanks for sharing her home and family.  Gorgeous children, and a delight all around.   For more about Mimi, please visit her blog called Manger.

(i received this book free to review from blogging for books...many, many thanks!)

A cold, windy and bright Monday

After a very wet, drizzly weekend, it's nice to see the sun shining this morning.  Cold, though.  But come Wednesday, we're supposed to be creeping back into our 'more seasonal' fifties for the daytime.  The way this cold has blasted in, it's been feeling more like December.  Things seem to be a month ahead of time.  Usually, when I delay hanging out the Christmas lights on the porch, 'round about the second week of December, I regret it because it's hard to do that and wear gloves at the same time.  That's what it feels like outside now.  Below 30 degrees, a wind whipping around, and not friendly to fingers.  But I'm cozy in bed, tea tray abandoned, and a vanilla cookie candle flickering.  Planning my day's strategy.

Not in a hurry.  I've got all day.

Thinking of taking the kids to the library, since I'd like to postpone Monday, if I can.  Youngest son, the one who's rankling my nerves lately, and the nerves of every female in the house who has to live with him, might benefit from a pile of books.  Yeah, I'm an Introvert too, but not socializing with your own family is sort of taboo.  He could actually speak, yes?

I'm preferring females lately, and very grateful for having 3 girls of my own.  What a huge blessing, especially since I wasn't blessed with sisters.

~ ~ ~

Put a couple of new (not to me, but to my reader app) blogs on my feed.  The ones with the gorgeous photos, obedient children, clean houses, and not-a-problem-in-sight.  I figure I could use the encouragement, especially in the midst of my woodboy taking on the long-term project of cleaning out the attic, which commenced on Saturday.  There has been evidence of wildlife taking up residence up there (deceased now), and they (yes, they, not only one critter) left a bit of a mess behind.  I need bucking up, with the nastiness above our heads.  And as my sidekick said---we shouldn't be living like this.  Oh, so true.

~ ~ ~

So, that's my day.  And maybe fitting in some pre-Thanksgiving cleaning, though I'm not going to overdo that.  I figure when engaged son's fiance comes, we'll use lots of candles, since she'll be here after dark for dessert, and can camouflage any short-comings with shadows and flickering light.  Old bunged up houses need to be shown grace in bright light. so candles it is.

Enjoy your day.  A fresh new one is always a blessing.

Friday morning

A few of you asked what author Robert Benson had said in his letter to me---he thanked me for the note I'd sent him awhile back, said they'd had sickness in his home, and that he was glad his 'scribbles' as he put it, were of a help to me.  Imagine.  Scribbles.  Very gentlemanly, and kind, which is how he comes across in his books anyway.  Such a joy to receive.  I've never gotten a letter from an author before, but not sure as I've ever written one.  He puts his address in the back of some of his books, so is available, and he's in Nashville, which is just a hop-skip and a jump away.

~ ~ ~

COLD here.  Below freezing at night, for several evenings lately, but supposed to be warmer for Thanksgiving.  Hopefully before then.  Darn cold for the South this early.

~ ~ ~

Finished Jan Karon's Home to Holly Springs last night.  I'd bought it at the library sale--the only one of her novels I'd not read so far, and it was good to get the background story that leads into her newest book.  Had to laugh at the light swearing some of the character's engage in, if you want to all it that.  For years my husband has said he "doesn't give a rat's a**," and to read that in her books was a pleasant surprise.  And to find that Father Tim was more human than I'd given him credit for.  He's sort of larger than life in Mitford, and sometimes appears too good to be true.  Glad he's ordinary and messed up like the rest of us.  Not sure but this book is her most honest portrayal of him.  Online I found a very sweet interview with her here.  You might enjoy it---I sure did.

Appreciated that she got the Tennessee/Mississippi (Miss'ippi, as we say) accent down pat, but she's pretty good at that, even though she hails from North Carolina. :)  All Southern accents are not equal, by any means.

At the same sale, picked up a copy of Patches of Godlight as well, and have been thumbing through that one.  It's more of a read a bit, put it down sort of book, but I'm glad to have it.

~ ~ ~

Waiting for Gary to get paid from a couple of customers---down to gas and toilet paper money, so more in the coffers will be nice when these folks step up to the plate.  I told him he ought to say that his poor children will go hungry this weekend if they don't pay up.  Not sure as folks always understand the dilemma of the self-employed, though the two designers we're waiting for are self-employed as well.  'Course they have husbands who have regular jobs.  C'mon now. (he just texted me---one customer is coming before noon---hallelujah)

In a bit of a 'Stinky Pete' mood, nonetheless. Had a run-in with youngest son yesterday about his English work, and he had a bit of a trying attitude. Gary puts it down to him being 18, but I'm not convinced.  Moms and sons....not my finest hour.  The girls cut me more slack.

~ ~ ~

Will go now.  Tea-time is way over, and need to get it in gear.  Said son is at my mom's for the day, with English book in-hand.  He needed to get outta here.  Will tidy the house in preparation for everyone being home for dinner.  Something HOT sounds comforting, and comfort is a special need for me lately.  Take care.

Needful of silence...

Glad of some quiet.  I'm listening to Fabrizio Paterlini's CD called Autumn Stories---it's restful, and I need that.  The music is drowning out the sounds of the noisy people I live with.  The day was busy what with fitting in schoolwork with the kids, Hawthorne Berry tincture making/Elderberry syrup simmering and then leaving to tend to my mom's needs at 2pm.  We got back home at around 5, after picking up fourth son at work.  Too much away time.  And tomorrow afternoon I take middle daughter downtown to the dental school to have her dental appliance looked at.  She needs more rubber bands and an evaluation.  Her student doctor has changed, so that'll be interesting.  Maybe.  Thursday will find me at home making stew for dinner.  And that's all.  Staying put.

I ordered and am in-the-midst-of receiving the 3-volumes of Phyllis Tickle's Divine Hours prayer books.  The Springtime one and the Summertime ones have arrived, and maybe tomorrow I'll get the Autumn/Wintertime volume in the mail.  Here's a tiny sample from the Springtime volume.  

The Call to Prayer (from the Vespers Office of March 31)

But I will call upon God, and the Lord will deliver me.

In the evening, in the morning, and at noonday, I will complain and lament, and he will hear my voice.

He will bring me safely back...

God, who is enthroned of old, will hear me. ~Psalm 55:17ff

Isn't that beautiful?

The last real silence I experienced (I kid you not) was when our oldest daughter and I went to William Faulkner's house down in Oxford.  The lack of noise on his property was incredible.  I looked up and saw a red-tailed hawk flying overhead, and the trees were the only noise.  Just leaves.  No traffic, or voices.  No household sounds.  Silence.  The earth's silence.

Interesting, but of my family here (including the boys who've moved away) there are only 3 of us who actually physically crave alone-time.  Me, oldest son and youngest son.  We're all, pretty much, introverts, but some of them need one another's company on a consistent basis.  Gary's one.  He's much happier when he comes home when he's had people about, or if youngest son (an introvert's introvert) goes to work with him.  And can my husband talk.....don't get me started on that one.

~ ~ ~

Moving on...

The best news, though, of the whole week is a letter I received from Robert Benson, who's one of my favorite authors.  In fact, his books are the reason I fell for the Anglicans.  I reviewed his book, In Constant Prayer, and that's all it took.  So special to receive a letter from a favorite, and that he took the time.  

Will go now.  Need to get two book reviews settled in my head.  And accept the fact that winter is on its way.  Supposed to be in the twenties tomorrow night.  So sad.  Doesn't seem a year since we went through this before.  Unfortunately one of the chickens, Nora, is molting.  She looks pitiful and when she fluffs up her feathers, a cloud of them come off of her.  Maybe the cold will encourage her new feathers to hurry up.

Take care.  And stay cozy.

Friday night

~by carl holsoe

A year ago today was when my mom had her stroke.  Goodness, this year has brought an  overabundance of drama, even not including Mom's lifestyle changes.  I won't go into all of it, you've heard it all from me before, but it is mind-boggling what the human spirit can withstand.

  Funny how hard times will either drive you to your knees or maybe to some bad habit.  I don't drink or smoke, so those things are out.  Just as well.  It's having such a taste of desperation with my prayers this past year that's cut to the quick.  I realize a casual attitude about prayer is pretty useless.  You either mean it, or you don't.  

I'm seeing what a waste of time certain things are, including some of the schoolwork our kids are required to learn, and I'm not kidding.  My view of the value of minutes has changed.  Everything is so fleeting.  Seconds can bring about such amazing things, both good and bad.  A stroke would be on my bad list.

This weekend we rest.  Cook and eat.  Nurture ourselves.  Sleep.  Read comforting books.  Wear socks.  Sit in the sun.  Keep sweaters on Pugs.  Run few errands.  Stay in bed later.  Drink copious amounts of hot tea.  Listen to good music.  Dance in the kitchen with Gary.  Bake cookies.  Love one another.  And I'm just getting started with my list...

Thursday

The best part of today was military son texting me, asking if I could give him a ride to work.  Last week I'd mailed him a letter getting mildly mushy (and following the Lord's nudging in writing it) and telling him I wanted to look ahead with our relationship---explaining my passion in how I've reacted to his lifestyle (and his oldest brother's), and how hard it is to see them living contrary to how we raised them.  But, that I still wanted them to come by, not to feel uncomfortable in being here, but that we stand by our standards.  All stuff he knows, but I wanted his fiance to be given the chance to read it too.  She wasn't raised the same, but she's not heard any of this from us, only what he's told her.  I stressed that I want him to be part of US.  We need each other.

And while tough love has its place, I'm more into just plain old love instead.  I'm tired of all the grief, and just want us to pull together.  Don't want to have to continually second-guess myself, asking if I'm being firm enough.  If you could've seen the two girls in the backseat of the Suburban with him while we were driving, you'd agree that I've made the right choice. At one point the least one had her head in this son's lap and he was playing with her hair.  Then they got to horsing around and tickling each other. Can't put a price on that.  I know he's missed us.  Sure know we've missed him.  (Brings tears to my eyes to re-read this.)

Family, you know.  Can't beat that.

He knows we disapprove, but to me, that doesn't mean you totally isolate him.  I realize some would disagree, believing that the isolation will cause a yearning.  Can't say as I'm convinced.

For a mom, that is the hardest to contemplate.  Wanting to reach out in love, and being prevented from that.  No.  Glad Gary's understanding of how I feel.  He's tough, though.  Probably a good thing.

Now looking forward to a weekend off.  My mom's all set with groceries until Tuesday.  Gary's birthday is Monday, and the weekend is totally free from obligations.  I'm sort of giddy about it.

Tuesday night

Well, today was better than yesterday.  For one thing, it was oldest daughter's birthday.  She's so darned cute.  

On Monday I had my morning tea, as usual, but didn't pad the time with prayer.  Big mistake.  Teaching the kids their math was an exercise in futility for sure, causing our middle daughter to cry.  Oh dear.  After having a sweet prayer time the night before, I should've been paying attention, kicking the evil one's butt out of my life, but I wasn't paying attention, just assuming things would be dishy.  Well, they weren't.  Lesson learned, at least for now.  Make a note.

This morning, I got all settled with my tea and read the Morning Prayer in the Book of Common Prayer, and remembered what our priest said on Sunday about the website Common Prayer.  It has the Morning/Evening Prayers and also the Daily Office with the seven times to pray through the day. I did the whole nine yards, not bragging, but admitting that I need help.  You can't (or maybe you can) imagine how much better today was for me.  And think on it, it just makes sense that if you pray at particular times of day, sandwiching the hours with prayer---well, why wouldn't it be better?  A hard discipline, though, which is sort of sad.  

The only redeeming part of yesterday was going to a thrift store with the girls.  They were playing really great music, and at one moment, some song I like came on and I caught the gazes of the girls at different parts of the store and had the flashing thought of how cool it would've been if we'd started dancing right then.  Can you imagine how cool that would've been?  A mini flash mob.  I'll bet there's a lot of dancing in Heaven.  

~ ~ ~

Tomorrow planning on taking care of Mom's needs, then will be free for the rest of the week. I have nothing to do, no responsibilities until Monday when we'll do Mom's stuff again, and will celebrate Gary's birthday.  His last birthday in his fifties, but we won't talk about that.  It passes all too soon.

Take care all.  And take some time.

November first

Like lots of folks, woke up to a cold house this morning.  I think it was in the 30s overnight, but we'd been cooking yesterday, so the rooms weren't too chilly.  Turned on the heat and the old problem, not reconciled yet, of the blower to the heater not shutting off and the pilot light not re-lighting.  Gary went up in the attic to see about it, spent the day off and on working on it, figured out the part needed, went to the hardware to get it (a thermocouple), the kids and I prayed off and on, and yippee-ka-looga, he fixed it.  Heater is working a treat.  Didn't have to call a repair man, and we're all cozy tonight.  And it's nice when the price of the parts needed don't make you cry.

Yesterday took fourth son back to the wrist doctor (we went earlier in the week as well) for a ganglion cyst he's got at the joint.  Oldest daughter had one disappear a year ago.  Seems she coincidentally took a hefty antibiotic for a tooth extraction, and by the time the prescription was used up, the cyst was gone.  She'd had it for a few years, and suddenly it shrank and was no more.  Wonder if the antibiotic was the solution.  Our son is going the more traditional (and very expensive) route, and had it drained.  We'll see how that works...maybe fine.  Sure hope so since he's sunk so much money into it already, including an MRI.

So much non-news to share.  And on it goes...

My mother-in-law enjoys watching the Duggars and since we have eight kids (not nineteen, and not counting), she figures we'd enjoy it.  Well, frankly, they scare me, but the girls like to watch, but can't since we don't have cable anymore.  So sad.  Anyway, I see on today's news that another daughter of theirs has gotten married, so Gary's walking around singing to the tune of Mr. Rogers' 'Won't You Be My Neighbor?,' but has substituted the words to 'Won't You Be My Duggar?'  We sort of worry for the boys who have married into that family.  Not much independence in the situation.  Jim Bob rules, though he probably means well.  Shoot, he's the dad, he can rule.  I do appreciate their consistency and belief system, I will say that, but they still scare me.

Must go now.  Church tomorrow, altar flowers from us to our birthday girls (middle girl yesterday, oldest girl on Tuesday), and teaching Sunday School and keeping nursery.  Taking next Sunday off.  It's time for a long weekend with no obligations.  Good obligations, but change is good.  Needing a mental breath of air.

Take care, all.

Herbal goodness and a birthday

Took one son to Whole Foods this evening after dinner to get the remaining ingredients for Rosemary Gladstar's Fire Cider, or a fair copy.  Something new to me, it's made of raw horseradish, raw ginger root, jalapeno peppers, onion, lots of garlic---layered in a jar and then weighted and covered with unfiltered apple cider vinegar.  Set aside for up to a month, then strained and flavored with raw honey.  Saves all through the winter, and is said to help stave off the creepies. Looking forward to mixing it all up, and will hunt down some plastic gloves.  Makes me happy to do this stuff.  I could make tinctures, etc. all day and be content.  That being said, I have an Elderberry tincture and an Echinacea one to strain and bottle up tomorrow.  I'll be busy.

And just ordered some herbs online at Mountain Rose Herbs (things I can't find at the hippy store here) to fill capsules for winter's additional healing if we're hit with coughs.  I'm thinking the flu won't call at our door since we all had it last year and it seems we get about 12 months worth of immunity.  That's been the case in the past.

And tomorrow is middle daughter's sixteenth birthday.  Fun.  Deep dish apple pie (instead of cake) for dessert and Spanakopita (with chicken) for dinner.  More fun.  And in addition to middle daughter's gifts, we found two cups and saucers (at TJ Maxx) for both her and the least one, so they both get a gift first thing in the morning.  Bought them a cinnamon roll to split too.  Can't wait to see what they say about them.  

Going to settle into the rest of the night now.  I bought two bars of soap at the store tonight as well.  Almond is one and the other is called Dirty Hippie and is made of Patchouli and Nutmeg, heavy on the Patchouli.  Smells delicious.  A hot bath sounds nice.  Then will find something easy to read in bed---had begun and gotten pretty far in William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury and it makes my brain hurt.  So different from the book of his I read last week and enjoyed so much.  I need a break from thinking.

Time for quiet.

Mid-week

The General Confession (guaranteed to make me cry, every week)

ALMIGHTY and most merciful Father; We have erred, and strayed from thy ways like lost sheep. We have followed too much the devices and desires of our own hearts. We have offended against thy holy laws. We have left undone those things which we ought to have done; And we have done those things which we ought not to have done; And there is no health in us. But thou, O Lord, have mercy upon us, miserable offenders. Spare thou those, O God, who confess their faults. Restore thou those who are penitent; According to thy promises declared unto mankind In Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant, O most merciful Father, for his sake; That we may hereafter live a godly, righteous, and sober life, To the glory of thy holy Name. Amen. ~from 1928 Book of Common Prayer

Listening to For King and Country's CD.  Oh my.  I know I've mentioned them before, but bears re-mentioning.  The name of the CD is Run Wild, Live Free, Love Strong, and is wonderful.  The songs Shoulders and It's Not Over Yet are my favorites.  When oldest daughter plays it in her car, the sound is a m a z i n g, since her speakers really go to town.   The second song I mentioned played LOUD is the best.  You feel like God can do anything.  Well, He can, but you believe it.  Linking it here.  I can't check to see how the link works...with our new Internet through our T-Mobile account we've already used our supply of 4G, and are limited to (though an endless supply) of 2G.  Can't watch videos, but we're not complaining.  A lesser bill is a fine balance.  Feels so funny, going backwards.  Cancelling cable and using the roof antennae again, and our 2G with the Internet is like our old phone Internet....well, not quite that slow. :)  Yeah, first world problems.

Feeling blessed.  Gary's had such an endless run of work these past two months.  Our house note being cut in half is wild, and being able to pay the bills on time, plus just the relief of not feeling so tapped financially is truly incredible.  It's deeply contenting.  

And I'm learning to take life in littler bites.  But mind, this has to be re-learned on a daily basis.  Heard from son who's engaged, after I asked if his fiance could/would come for dessert/or the whole meal for Thanksgiving.  He said she would.  Immediately I felt anxiety, then prayed and released it to the Lord.  I feel peace today.  We'll look ahead, and not behind. And remember, I'll have to keep setting this in God's lap.  I'll have the tendency to over-clean and just make myself miserable.  Also considering we'll invite my mom, who's a bit of a challenge---well, Thanksgiving should prove to be an interesting day.  But we'll make it.  Asking them is the right thing to do.  Doesn't mean it's easy, but it's right.

With firstborn son's girlfriend going out of town with her family to NC, he'll be here as well and that guarantees all my chickens will be around my table.  What a lot has happened in 12 months.  By God's grace we've survived. 

No drama, least not immediately.  I don't want anymore of that stuff.

Pugs in a blanket

Just now.... On a chilly day.  Violet is all snug.

Tuesday morning

A bit misty outside, and should rain in awhile.  I'm lying in bed, window open, and can hear a dove in the Oak tree in the backyard.  The chickens are all settled in the corner of their run, just fluffed up and thinking about things.  Quiet. Nice.

I find that lately I'm craving silence so much.  Way too much noise in my life.  I read a piece by Lanier at The Rabbit Room about that same topic.  And while a 'get away' would be ideal, for most of us, we have to take it as we can find it.  And to find it at home seems to be the way.  Not the easiest process. Going to make today a restorative time.  At least that's the plan at this very moment.

~ ~ ~

With a busy weekend behind me, I'm taking my week more slowly.  And am planning on us taking a break with no church duties the weekend of the 8th of November.  Will ask someone else to do the flowers, acolyte for the least one, and will take a pause from teaching children's Sunday school.  

~ ~ ~

Youngest son is at the shop with Gary today.  This son has been a bit of a challenge lately, not in a disrespectful sense, but just annoying.  He drives the girls nuts as well.  And I told Gary, it appears that most of my boys doubt my wisdom a good bit of the time.  He blames it on a natural rift between mom and sons, not so much a disrespect issue, but a denial of moms having much going on.  He seems to be speaking from experience.  Huh.  Not too crazy about being thought of as being low in the intelligence scale.  To my boys (at least the majority), I'm the mom who may have a college degree, but is still just a mom.  Maybe to them I excel in mediocrity.  Not going to dwell on that one.

No hard tasks lined up for today.  Make shortbread---the butter is out on the counter now, softening up.  Tidy and maybe hang the fall wreaths.  I'm late doing that.  Maybe I excel at puttering?

I recently read a book (can't think of the title, but it sounds like an Elizabeth Berg or Carrie Brown type of story, but can't remember), about a young woman who had lost her husband the previous year and had a small daughter.  For a full year she'd stayed in bed and had totally withdrawn.  She was living with her mother-in-law, I think, and was finally waking up mentally from the despair of her husband's loss.  The story next goes into she and her daughter skipping town and truly allowing themselves to experience life again.  Great story, but can't place it.  While I've not had to deal with a death in the past 12-18 months, there have been an over-abundance of difficulties.  But life is beginning in small ways to glimmer, and I'm waking up again to my own life.  In that space of time three sons have moved out and two of those have moved in directions contrary to their upbringing.  My mom has lost her independence, leaning on me more and more, so I've misplaced my mother in one sense with her stroke affecting her ability to be the adult.  Many changes in a tight space of time.

Hard realities.  But you know what helps?  This might sound silly, but Gary says that these boys have chosen the paths they're on.  They're really happy with what they're doing.  I tend to think someone has tricked them, taken over their minds (and maybe these girls have, but my boys aren't mindless idiots) and made them be rotten.  And honestly, in her odd little way, thankfully my mom is happy as well.  Anti-depressants have helped in that area, I'm sure.  She doesn't know how to cry anymore, and a stroke is definitely cause for tears.  So, the three individuals who tap my joy can be checked off as requiring so much of my mental energy.  I cause myself undo angst.

~ ~ ~

But, the thing is, I have to look past the difficulties and get on with it, so they say.  In the new Jan Karon there's a perfect quote.  

"We, however, need to keep praying ad trusting God, and moving ahead to things like lunch and dry-cleaning and a dozen eggs at the Local." ~from Somewhere Safe with Somebody Good

Pray, trust the Lord, and LIVE.  Repeat the next day.

I just have to do today, and that has to be enough.  Sufficient to the day..., you know.